helpless

I have never felt so helpless in my life.

The kiddo gave me a good swift kick to the right side of my ribs Sunday night, landing me in the hospital for over 12 hours, dehydrated, in a LOT of pain, shortness of breath, and just plain scared as to what the heck was going on. Diagnosis after a long day in the hospital? Muscular/skeletal pain, exacerabated by the kiddo being all scrunched up in my rib cage, possible hairline fracture to one of my ribs. Treatment? Rest, lots of it, don't lean on my right side, Tylenol, and don't lift heavy things. Reaction? Depression with a dose of helplessness.

I was out from work on Monday (as to being in the hospital all day), told to take off Tues and Wed by the doc, then the diretor of human resources called me last night and told me to take off the rest of week and come back Monday for a fresh start. So now? I can work from home, but mostly I am depressed that I am not there. I feel like I am letting my team down. I am working on a huge meeting and so far my immediate team leader and my assistant have been covering for me, but they have a lot to do themselves. I made the mistake of covering for someone while she was out of the office for 2 weeks and my projects wound up on the back burner, just coasting along. I was to get them back on track this week. With my office telling me to take off, I feel like they don't need me. Are they setting me up? I know it is speculation and I am making a mountain out of a molehill, they really have my best interest at heart, to take care of myself and the baby, but it is a business, I am not naive and I know that things must move on. So now, I just feel like playing catch-up is a cop out. I CAN do more, but I don't want to right now too. I feel paralyzed that my company doesn't want me, but I can do minimal things from home, but I can't be productive at home either because I can't move things and honey has a different agenda sometimes.

I know I should count my blessings:
Things are progessing well with the pregnancy, no complications so far
Due to my small stint in the hospital on Monday, I lost 4 lbs so I am back at the breakeven point for my weight.
The crib and dresser are ordered. The glider and ottoman have arrived.
I have a great job that I really enjoy.
I have a husband who wants me and the baby to be healthy.
I have a roof over my head, a car, money in the bank, and a family that loves me.

It is just frustrating when I feel like I can bounce back but my body won't let me and my job knows it too. I just don't like being told what to do. Ask my honey. He knows it too well. So do my parents. So how do I accept defeat? By feeling depressed and helpless. Humph.

I'll get over it. Next week is only 4 days away. Besides. I FINALLY bought something for the kiddo. A pack of onesies and a small pack of diapers just in case she comes early.